Monday, July 06, 2009

Onion

Someone once told me that life is a layered onion, we continually peel the layers back to discover new things. I think it's probably a good analogy one that involves tears, substance and something to chew on should you be so inclined.

I won't lie about this. The onion thing pisses me off because it seems over the years as soon as I have got a hold on an issue in my life a whole new onion appears. They are breeding babies when I'm not watching.



I might be nuts by the way if I have never mentioned it before. I have seen a professional to work through life stuff on and off for 20 years. I call her my second mom, she is a friend and a professional, a professional mom you could say - one that I pay not to add emotional baggage to advice. In my early 20's she was someone who saved my life, as I'm sure that I would have done harm to myself had she not been there to offer suggestions on getting thorough a very rough period. For that I am grateful.

Today, she's someone I bounce ideas off of, she helps me get though some sticky life questions, calms me when I'm freaking out. A few weeks ago I bounced the idea off of her about all of these physical ailments I've been dealing with in the past few months. What if they are related to THIS XYZ THING?

I am and have always been a person who absorbs stress and turns it into sickness. Ever since I was a child I've done it. I know now that when something is falling apart physically that I need to ask myself "what is it that I'm not talking about?" So I began to ask myself that question, pulled out old books on medical intuition and began to ask "what is it....that I'm not talking about?"



What came of it was another f*%$ onion. One that I thought I had flushed down the toilet a LONG time ago. When I posed this question to her she came forward with a question so alarming to me that it has taken me two weeks to talk about it. What is it you ask? It's a long story, one too long to go into here but essentially she asked the question about my "toxic family" [not my blood family I might add], my "XYZ family" the one I went to each day for a number of years. Toxic? I would not describe it as toxic...a lot screwed up for sure, but not Toxic. And then the words came that you don't want to hear from a therapist..."hum, maybe you should journal on that, why you don't think it was toxic after you told me X, Y, Z". And then I realized another onion had appeared.



I thought I was bigger than "IT". I knew what IT looked like [the crap] and I knew it wasn't about me, I thought I was walking around it, dealing with it, working the issues in my behalf. But looking at it again from this new perspective, I was absorbing it still and I didn't even know it. Sometimes the thing I'm not talking about, isn't even obvious to someone skilled in 20 years of this sh*t.

But here are the words she provided to ease my guilt [of course it's my fault] there is a saying:

YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET AND FALL INTO THE HOLE.
YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET, SEE THE HOLE AND WALK AROUND IT.
YOU WALK DOWN THE STREET. YOU TAKE A DIFFERENT ROAD.

Many years of walking around the hole. I'm taking a different road.


beautiful onion/egg via TR.iPod
the hole via Tone

2 comments:

corksandcaftans said...

this was such a touching post. hang in there, and thanks for posting :)

Amanda said...

What a great post. I love her last words about the road. Isn't that so true...take a different road.

Words of wisdom for sure, to be remembered by me.

Keep your head up! This too will be a learning experience!