Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Good Things and Emotional Barfing

I haven't been paying attention to my calendar. Tomorrow [Thursday] my niece Kiley's adoption [which I spoke about here previously/scroll to very bottom] will be finalized at the court house and I'm so sad that I didn't plan on being there. Call it lack of judgement, I'm not sure really, but I told myself that she has been in our family for a year now and that it was just another day.

A couple weeks ago though, my mom shared a story with me when she was talking to my brother [and her soon to be official dad] about the adoption. And he told her that it was as exciting to him as going to the hospital when his biological son was born. I haven't been close to anyone who has adopted, so this shocked me to hear, as well as surprised to hear it from my brother who like I, has come from a great line of stoic people.

So this morning, thinking about the reality of the adoption, I realized that I AM THE MOST HORRIBLE AUNT THAT HAS WALKED THE PLANET that I should have flown up to the event. It's too late now and so instead I made plans to order flowers: a wreath for Kiley's hair [that I'm sure she'll rip out in 5 min flat] and an arrangement for her mom and dad. I had to get Kiley's head size from my sister-in-law and so I left a message. As I was leaving the message, I just began to cry, I couldn't really help myself and couldn't get my shit together to finish the message really... I just choked it out. It always surprises me when I do this. I think of myself as that same stoic person but my dilegence of 15+ years of therapy has served me well, I guess if bawling your eyes signifies a success. More often than not I find myself crying over the morning news [twice this week already], dumb cute commericals or a great blogger post. I am PMSing this week so it's a bit more than normal but it's embarrassing to me that I've become such a cry baby.

I suppose it's good in the long run but lordy I had to fax in the note I wanted included in the card because I couldn't talk through it with the friggin' florist. It's funny and a little odd if you ask me.

So, tomorrow, her day, I'll probably cry through it each time I think about it [I'm just barely keeping my shit together to write this]. It's such an amazing thing for everyone involved. I hope that when she gets to be an adult and learns of the story of how she came to all of us that she knows she picked us, as much as we picked her. People would argue that I suppose, that she already was a distant family member, but I truly believe children come to us and that we spiritually choose our family [crazy or not].

Welcome to the family Kiley. We love you.


Your Bro said...

Hey Sis, thanks for the flowers and the head wreath for Kiley, I think your right, it'll be off in 5flat, I'm more worried about what she'll say in court in front of the judge, probably something like "I farted" or "I pooped". It will be an exciting day to say the least, I wish you could be there. I have to say, some of the word you wrote got to me...yeah but I didn't cry. Speaking of that "Stoic" I'm not stoic, I'm just not melodramatic. Anyways, sis I hope you are well, and thanks again. love your Bro.

karey m. said...

this breaks my heart.

and i agree with you. i think family comes to us. wherever. however.

speaking as a mom of three girls all born in september. and all completely UTTERLY unplanned. eek.

Richie Designs said...

my brother comments...holy toledo - I didn't even knew he read this thing! it's a big day all around.

SGM said...

God, Richie! Now you made me get teary-eyed. Lovely post.

Susannah said...

Congratulations on being an auntie! Beautiful niece you got there!

Angeleen said...

Yes, family definitely finds each other whether by birth, adoption, marriage or friendship.

She's beautiful! And you are a GREAT aunt. Don't even kid yourself.

Congratulations to your whole family, but especially Miss Kiley for landing such a good one!

franki durbin said...

darling, don't beat yourself up. one look at this post and anyone knows you're NOT a bad aunt. lots of love there!