I'm ready to confess. It's been fluffy around here lately. Just a photo and something snarky to write. My words have left the building with Elvis. I know when I start quoting other people regularly that my words have left. I seek solace in quotes. When I'm lost, I feel like others can fill my vacant mouth.
I don't know what happened around here the past few weeks but all heck broke loose. I'm talking insanely-big life things - things that are changing lives, mine and others. Some would say that all change is good, but these things are well...not if you ask me. Since I talk to a mythical crowd of people because commenting on fluff isn't really exciting, I'm saying it's not.
All in a week's time this is what has gone on: A near visit to the ER with this kidney thing again, the mythical kidney ailment that they can't seem to see on scans unless I'm barfing my brains out from pain. It's a Sasquatch disguising itself as a kidney. I hope this test they shot me full of radioactive goo shows something. Otherwise I'll be forced to walk/ stand on my feet and propel myself into the ER. Ahhh...modern medicine is a marvel.
A routine visit to the doctor in April, when this fluff all began [along with my layoff I might add], the doctor that gives me my pain meds ordered a new set of xrays. You know, just to see how things are going. I didn't expect anything to change much from this xray 4 years ago but a phone call from said doctor revealed that my back has in-fact got worse. A LOT WORSE. As in this curve you're seeing here is 25 degrees, mine is now at 39 degrees.
Kids, remember your protractors here...and relate it to a spine and it's not a wonder that I can't wear heels anymore. I met with a surgeon last week, expecting a conversation of "lets watch it closer" which really became "ok, so when we do surgery we can do THIS, or THIS and then I would recommend THIS. The one they go through my front, take all my parts out, set them on the table and then put them back in was especially nice to learn about.
I waited till I got outside to sob. my. brains. out.
I told him I didn't want surgery right now. Preferably never, if you might know the truth. I offered up my pinky- toes and everything –Take Them! I don't need them! The thought of being in that much pain for weeks and months does not strike a good note with me. I don't want this surgery. They agreed to run more tests to see if anything is in jeopardy, so that I might wait. I'm not sure for what, but at least when my sweetheart is out of his med program next summer so that he can shave my legs for me in my hospital bed and beg the nurses for more Dilauded when the tears are rolling down my cheeks.
I might add that this isn't the worst of the information that came down the pipe. A friends marriage is on thin ice, another friend who finally decided to take the plunge and have a child learned just today that something is very, very wrong and the baby will not live. I think by far, this one is the worst - I still don't have words for that yet, just tears for her.
Other friends who I've asked "are weird things happening to you?" have reported desperate calls from friends having affairs, people in rehab -then jail serious life insanity here.
What the Hell is going on?
I don't know...I really don't. I just know that I've never been happier doing this art thing, working really hard being creative. That is the thing that is getting me through.
So there it is, the reason for my fluff. I love my fluff. Fluff is good. So, if you don't mind for just a bit, some fluff until I get more words to string together and the insanity stops. Maybe, I'll find a solution to my spine other than taking my parts out, titanium screws and putting the parts back in - somewhere in the fluff. Maybe...they got the wrong xrays - yah, that's it. They mixed up the xrays.
fluff photo>via this person
The spine, is my very own...4 years ago