Oh gawd, I really hate that I'm talking about this it's so evolved of me, so new-agey blahhht gross, so well Oprah of me really. But here it is, my confession to you all.
I turned on my 'Secret' audio tape again this weekend and hit the trails. The book isn't new, I'm sure you've all heard of it, if not seen it. It's funny this book, I've been doing this sort of thing for the past 15+ years without calling it this. I think it began during a time when I was so at a loss with what to do with myself that I would just walk, without a headset, and just keep going. It wasn't unlike me to walk 1.5 hrs + a day and sometimes more on the weekends. Without knowing it, things just began to process and then I began concentrating on things I needed, say an apartment. I wanted specific things though, like a long hallway and french doors and it needed to be in a certain price range and then like magic it would appear. Or oddly enough a parking space which a friend and I have since nicknamed "asking Doris [as in Doris Day who always got the best spot in front] for a spot" it works nearly every time. You have to give her a little warning though... say when you leave your house. Not as you pull up to your location, she doesn't work that fast. I got a little out of sorts about 6 years ago and stopped or forgot about my skills in asking. The audio tape on my ipod is a good reminder for me to get clear.
You have to get clear about your life before you can ask. This is what I know for sure as Oprah says. If you are wishy-washy about it, if you change your tune the next day, if you don't hold steady with the thing, whatever it is, it won't work.
I'm really good with being clear with work and art. I'm very clear about wanting my job to be secure this year and onward. I wish I could ask my coworkers to listen to the tape and say the same little thoughts and prayers that I say as I drive into the carport each day, and up the stairs, and in the front door. I think if we all focused on the same things we would be even more successful than previous years. I think, it may be a little too "Jerry McGuire" for all of us to handle said out loud.
What I noticed this weekend on my walk though is I'm not very clear personally. I've been talking a good game for a lot of years about the personal stuff. The thing is, when it comes time to ask, I say yes! totally 'fer sure' one day and change my tune the next. Thankfully the universe hears my hesitation and knows I'm not there yet. I did manage to get clear with one aspect. I asked out loud the other night to the other person involved whether he might be interested in possibly being engaged this year. This summer it will be 5 years of being best friends. He's a little busy with the whole school thing so he's pondering. It's totally fine with me if he ponders for a while, I said I wanted it, but you know... not all that quickly for gawd sakes because that would mean I would need to decide about the other things and I haven't got myself situated with that. Baby steps here, baby, mini-tippy toes really. Just a sparkily to wear...and the idea of that, later, way later.
I admire this woman and, this woman [& my non blogger friend April] so much. They often speak about the love of their children. To me, they totally know what they're doing even if they don't know how they're going to get there some days buried under sparkily shoes and glue sticks. The thing that resonates to me is that they all have pondered the thought of making great big people, where as I only can ponder the thought of cutie, snuggily little people. I don't know if I want to do the big people part. I mean really? Making sure they know how to go out into the world? I don't even know if I do that well. The sneakers, the designer jeans, the girls calling the boys, the boys calling the girls? I don't know about that or anything past the age of 2. Maybe 10 months really, if I'm being honest. Just before the walking part. And only sometimes... say like on the weekends, between 1-3pm after yoga or possibly a holiday or two, maybe Easter Sunday because I love a good chocolate bunny. This people...is called babysitting, which I love by the way should you be in need. Perfect little fixes of the cutie, snuggily.
Anyway... back to the getting clear part. I'm working on it. Until then I'm just going to enjoy their stories and keep drawing pictures. Because that is something I know for sure. If you're working on the getting clear I can recommend the audio book, the dvd is a little hokie it's available on itunes should you be in need.