Monday, October 13, 2008

The What If's

Earlier this summer I had an emergency surgery for a kidney thingy I told you all about that- tube twisted up - dealio. They straightened the plumbing out so to speak and I was on my way to mending. I got a finishing CT scan at the end so they could verify things were staying where they were suppose to. My doctor emailed me to say things looked fine but he wanted to have a cyst checked out on an ovary that had changed in size between scans. ok. sure. cyst. fine. will. go. to doctor.

So I go to the doctor's and get my utrasound on. Things look fine she says, normal size change with hormones. But this thing, this one here, as she points to something big on the screen, I would like to biopsy. She begins asking questions. Do you have this symptom, or this one? Ok. Sure. biopsy. fine. will. come. back. I'm busy. really busy, so busy I don't have time for this appointment busy. Sure, I'll come back in two months, sure I'll call. Ok, great. See you soon, bye.

Busy. Busy. Busy...working till 7... and it starts. What if? the words become more real.... Biopsy.... Girl-parts..... Call me crazy but those are two words you don't want to hear together. A few days later I call back to the doctor. I ask, Can we do it next month? not in two? Because the what-if's they're starting to creep in about every 30 min now. And I begin to think of what I would do differently if it was true.

Would I quit my job and travel around the world? No. Would I throw all my girl parts out or salvage them? Would I give up my hair? sure. Would I regret anything? maybe not going to Paris this year like I wanted What would I do differently...maybe less Splenda. Yes, I would give up Splenda because that's probably what caused it. Who knows what's in that crap! I would only drink green tea. Yes, that's it, Green Tea would be my answer. I would only eat organic. Yes, and maybe I'll give up chocolate. Ok, not chocolate but alcohol. Yes, I can give that up. My mind spins every moment I'm not busy.

My brain spins for 30+ days and nights. A biopsy, another high tech ultra sound where the tech tilts her head to the side, as if to say "oh my god what is that?" she leans into the monitor and repeats the pattern on my girl parts to look again. She does not say a word and I don't ask. I don't want to know yet, and I know she's not allowed to talk. I. totally. have. cancer. I'm convinced of it now. Planning the conversation to family and friends. Possibly an email blast, so they all read it at the same time. Yes, an email blast would be appropriate I don't want the news to travel without me and my say in it. Maybe they can rescue my girl parts, maybe I'll just take them all out and throw them in the trash, I don't want them anymore. They are trouble...those things. I fully expected it to be bad news. I don't have good luck with any of my parts they all pretty much give me grief on any given day. This would have been just another day in my bad-parts-sort-of-life.

Back to the doctor to discover the news and things gratefully are fine. But are they? Maybe I should give up Splenda, and maybe I should drink green tea instead of my beloved coffee each morning. Maybe the microwave popcorn I eat for dinner many nights...maybe I should give that up - none of it is good for me.

So, I have taken up green tea in the afternoon so far with organic agave sweetener. After my caffeine crash a week or two ago that sent me on an eating rampage I can't go cold turkey. I have to begin slowly. And the microwave popcorn...only once since that time and I found an "natural" one at Trader Joes. That counts for something right? Because maybe I don't have to have another what-if moment. I hope I don't. I hope you don't either. But odds are, one of us will.

What if? what would you do different today?


karey m. said...


i'm sitting her with strep throat and an infection in one of my fingernails that the manicurist butchered...on cipro...not good.

tomorrow i go all natural and antiobiotic free. plus coffee. xoxo.

sorry...this was scary! i know those whatifs very well.

Amanda said...

What a beautiful essay, Richele. And how scary for you.

Hmm, things different...many, many. Too many. I am going to get to work on that today.

Petunia Face said...

Beautifully written and beautifully ended. I am so happy you're okay.

zakary said...

Glad it turned out in your favor.

I try to be healthy and what not. After watching my father lose his battle with pancreatic cancer, I choose to be smart, but I will not be denied simple chocolate and coffee.

Life's too short to live in fear.


zakary said...

Oh, and when I have popcorn for dinner, I cook it on the stove. It's a "homecooked meal" when you do it that way!

Take care.

Richie Designs said...

good idea. stove top popcorn!