Mortified

Just looking at the cover of this book gives me the heebie jeebies. Mortified is "an anthology of people's actual childhood writings, ripped from the pages of their lives and shared with total strangers. The result is a uniquely honest collection that is equal parts comedic and cathartic. Inspired by the long-running grassroots stage phenomenon that is Mortified, the book offers a hilariously poignant peek into the mind of youth gone bad, sad or just plain pathetic. From melodramatic diaries to pretentious poetry... from awkward attempts at fiction to angry letters at summer camp. This is a book for the underdog in all of us."

Imagine you're most embarrassing letters and diary journals and this might equal the stuff in this book. When I think about myself and the dorkness that was so ever present during school [ah hell I think it might still be with me] I get embarrassed just thinking about it. I did remember a story though I could share with all of you that will make you laugh out loud.

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In high school I had a huge crush on a boy we'll call Craig. I was friends with Craig's best friend Mike and I continually badgered Mike about Craig, what he did, his swim meet schedules etc. I'm sure Mike wanted to beat me over the head on a number of occasions.

Craig was an All-American boy, seemed nice enough, was cute and was a year younger than me - and if you remember high school that is the equivalent of Brittany Crazy. You never date younger than yourself but I was reading Cosmo and Seventeen and I was open to the idea that love was a grade beneath me, I thought it was very big of me to even consider it, actually.

After reading one of those retarded Cosmo articles "be bold, ask him out!" sort of things I did what any highschooler did at the time and write him a note which is the modern day equivalent of texting I suppose. I told him to come by my work [The most popular frozen yogurt shop at the time] after his game on whatever night blah blah blah and gave it to Mike to give to him. So fast forward that night after said game and in walks Craig with his mom, my heart hit the floor twice I think. What I didn't know was that Mike had never given him the letter. Yes, ladies and gents I proceeded to introduce myself as said crush-girl and he looked at me like I was from Mars. I won't go into details but lets just say it didn't go well and in the end he wasn't interested. I continued to pine after him and embarrass myself for some time after that, I'm sure of it.

oh but wait it gets better....

Fast forward 18 years and I am doing some work that requires a certain metal fabrication. My boss hands me a business card and says go see this guy he's my daughters soccer coach and he does metal fabrication. I live within 15 miles of my high school currently so I should have thought about this a bit more. I notice the name on the card Craig such and such and thought about it for a second - NAAA, no way. I make an appointment, drive over to his office and you guess it folks, out walks

Mr. Craig.

Now men change A LOT from high school, they fill out etc, so at first I couldn't be certain it was him, it had been 18 years after all. We sit down and chat and he keep looking at me and I play it completely cool - I don't let on AT ALL that I recognize him. He starts talking about his family, his wife, who's name he keeps dropping like I would recognize it [I didn't, she was a grade below me --psst I only discovered him I didn't fraternize with those people]. I start remembering all the embarrassing letters and me throwing myself at him and WANT TO DIE or excuse myself and never come back but I don't I keep playing it cool.

I'm still trying to really verify it's him and I remembered there was one odd thing about him a vision problem that required special paper and glass color for him to write on, just as I remember out comes the tablet and glasses. Bingo! we have complete and utter mortification present..

Here is my greatest revenge though...I look GOOOOOOD. I'm talking: I still get carded, look better, am skinnier and definitely have better style than I did in high school. He looks like a 40+ soccer dad which isn't a bad thing, except he was about 33 at the time.

He continues to stare, trying to get me to realize who he is but I somehow play it cool. I think I even didn't manage to turn red, which for me, is worthy of a gawd-damn Oscar. I leave and go back to my office and recount the horrific story to my boss who is laughing and says well "I would have never guessed you went to school with him, and definitely not that he was younger" so...Cheers to me!

I had to communicate with him via email a few times and on one of the last emails I decided to pony up just a little bit...
"you know, I think we might have gone to high school together" and that's all I said.